This past January, I was discerning becoming a full-time missionary (long-story for another day), and one the biggest barriers in my discernment was my suffering – my poor health. I thought that this weakness would make me a terrible missionary, because I wouldn’t be able to do all the things and be available all the time.
I spoke to my parish priest about this, and he spoke beautiful truths into this lie that I had allowed myself to believe. He said to me: “Nicole, I am not in the Church because of my virtues. I have no virtues. I am in the Church because of my weaknesses.” He went on to affirm to me that it is my weaknesses that God will use the most, that I am able to meet people in their suffering because of my own suffering.
These words changed my heart. They changed my attitude about suffering and helped me to see in a more tangible way how my suffering could be a blessing, how it could bless people.
But it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I had experienced this very thing, being met in my suffering because someone else had suffered too. I’ve shared this story before in my Letter to the Catholic Woman, but at the time I didn’t have the context. The sparks notes version is this: I had been going through a season of suffering that seemed to last forever. I got to a point where I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel well, so I decided to get some help that led to me making some major changes in my lifestyle to help me become well. I was telling one of my friends about this and why I decided to get help, and he told me “not even remembering what it’s like to feel good is not the life God has for us.” His words changed my whole outlook on this cross in my life. It had been something I had dealt with for so long that it had not occurred to me that God wanted me to be healthy or that it was even possible. Although I still carry this cross, the hope that came from hearing how God desires abundant life for me has made it a little bit less of a burden to bear, because now Jesus carries it for me.
Just before my letter was published, I told my friend how his words had blessed me, and he told me that it was because of his own experience with suffering that he had been able to speak that truth into my own suffering. Although it saddens me that he had to endure this suffering, I am grateful, because it speaks to redemptive suffering, that God can use even suffering to bear fruit and, in the most beautiful way, to show us His mercy. And the beauty of this story is that I know he is not the only person who has touched my life in a profound way because of their suffering. And I hope that in even the smallest way I have been able to meet someone in their suffering because of my own and provide even the tiniest glimmer of light. So let us not be afraid of our suffering, but rather, let us embrace it for the possibilities it gives us to love Jesus and others.