Giving Myself Time

Last night I resolved to my roommates that I would take the bus to school today, something which I regrettably haven’t done in some time. One of my roomies asked why I was taking the bus and not driving like I usually do. I had all kinds of reasons to cite: “I’m paying for a bus pass that I haven’t been using; I have more time now that I have fewer commitments; gas prices went up; it’s better for the environment.” But this friend of mine, well, she excels at making me think, at getting to the truth of the matter, and so she said, “I know all those reasons, but why now?”

Earlier in the evening one of my friends asked me why I don’t write anymore. I made up some story about how I do write, but I write about language acquisition, and Autism, and how children develop social understanding. But I knew that wasn’t what he meant.

These seemingly totally unrelated problems are linked. You see, I don’t write for myself anymore because I don’t have time to think, so I never have anything to write. I go from one to-do list item to the next, and when I stop, well maybe I eat, or shower, or scroll Instagram. Every prayer I have desperately whispered these past few months has been “Lord, don’t let me become consumed by doing all the things. Help me to remember to just be.” But my problem is not so much having time to think so much as not giving myself the time, time to think, time to process, time to dream.

I’ve probably lost you at this point as to how taking transit fits into all this. Taking transit is my answer to not having enough time to think. I always thought that taking transit wasted time, because it takes much longer to get from place to place on transit than if I drive. But what are the places I’m traveling to and from? I go from class, to homework, to work, to friends, to Church, to bed. My life has become so fast-paced, and the faster and faster I go, the more and more I try to cram into one day, the more and more pressure I put on myself to be capable of doing all the things.

I know my experience is not unique. I know I am not the only person who feels a little bit like I’m drowning, like I need to just get through the next couple weeks. I know I’m not the only person who needs to slow down, to just breathe.

In all honesty, I don’t really know how to slow down. It’s all a balancing act, but I’m learning, learning how to say no, learning what to say yes to, learning how to step back and look at the big picture, learning how to be present to the person in front of me. And I’m starting this process of slowing down by taking the bus (but let’s be real I’m just starting out and I’ll be driving to school tomorrow haha). So here’s to making space for making memories in this crazy fast-paced world I find myself in.